dean winchester is like. i have never loved my body because i have never learned to be in it, only to wield it. my body is a tool and a mechanism for ensuring that the right things die and the right people live and nothing more. i spent nine years rejecting michael only for him to finally take me and when he does, he is more present in this body than i have ever been. i put what i must inside this body in order to keep it going, i do not deprive it of a burger or a beer or someone else’s mouth but god forbid i think too hard about sam’s salads or the intricate planning, the deliberateness and care, with which so many people maintain a physical form, because the thought is unbearable. i am desired for my body but have never taught it desire. my body gets me twenty-dollar bills and dead enemies and a night’s relief at the drop of a hat and isn’t that enough? what a body is for? do i have to think more deeply about it? my body is a repeated impulse, signalling to others that i am frightening or fuckable or nonfeminine or whatever i must be in a given situation. i do not know how to turn my body off. so many people and things and expectations and intentions have been inside this body but none of them are me.
i think cas is very sweet and loving he doesn’t deserve to be called a misogynist even though he’s a cunt sometimes :( dean is a misogynist though <3 cas gives him a look and then yells at him when they’re alone whenever he doesn’t respect women so it’s ok, cas is a feminist icon
dean’s got some kind of reverse sexism thing going on with his kids where he’s like “claire kicks ass and can handle herself and when we’re like sitting by the impala drinking beer in silence i’ll tell her that when i die she’ll have to take care of cas and jack” but also “jack isn’t allowed to date until he’s like 30 and if he ever brings a boy over i’ll be standing behind him cleaning the biggest gun we own”
the way they chose not to finish telling dean’s story. that gets me. they chose not to let him speak. they chose not to let him grow old. they chose not to let him be his authentic self when he was finally starting to practice self love. the way he didn’t want to go out with a bang, he wanted to be a mechanic, he wanted to pet behind miracle’s ears while watching some old western, he wanted to be able to wake up late and get a full 8 hours, or maybe 12 some nights, and he wanted to live. dean wanted to live. dean winchester, the man who wrote the book on self sacrifice, on self hate, on self inflicted pain, the man who always wanted to bear the burden so that no one else had to, that dean winchester wanted to live.
